Long ago I discovered four cards that took the energy of their suit and maximized it to the extreme.  I usually say it doubles the energy of the card, but it could possibly represent up to a hundred times the energy of the card, depending on your situation or the person it's referring to.  What I mean by "energy" is that the energy of a card depends on its affiliation with the four elements: earth, air, fire, and water.  

• Earth energy is represented the actual earth, money, physical health and fitness, leadership, nature, patience, stability, honesty, balance, resourcefulness, our homes, employment, growth, prosperity and wealth, grounding, sustenance, survival, the great outdoors, etc.  In the four-grid elements of human existence, this is the physical realm. 
• Air energy is represented by the actual air, all forms of communication, the intellect, travel, writing, contracts/agreements, mental strength, memory, purification, music, breathing, sound, speaking, fragrance, ideas, knowledge, inspiration, imagination, dreams, wishes, freedom, etc.  In the four-grid elements of human existence, this is the mental realm. 
• Fire energy is represented by actual fire, passion, anger, transformation, cleansing, destruction, protection, energy, rebirth, purification, truth, hope, enthusiasm, brightness, illumination, activity, heat, concepts, alchemy, conversion, etc.  In the four-grid elements of human existence, this is the spiritual realm. 
• Water energy is represented by actual water, emotions, love, creativity and creation, regeneration and rebirth, movement, cleansing, healing, friendship, life-giving, nurturing, fertility, happiness, marriage, dreams, sleep, peace, etc.  In the four-grid elements of human existence, this is the emotional realm. 

 

I am so excited!  I finally finished the Rainy Day Tarot Journal for you to download and enjoy!!  Here is a sample of what's in it: 

It's 50 pages of tarot journaling prompts, blank journal pages, a printable mini tarot deck, some tarot spreads, various fun worksheets, major and minor arcana keywords, and a list of major arcana archetypes (something I cannot find anywhere, so I had to create one myself!).  And so much more!!  You can get yours here (just click on the cover below!)

Don't forget to pin this to your Pinterest below!!! 

In this reading I will be exploring my current situation in life.  I will give you some backstory and then do the reading.  You can follow the way I decipher the cards in the SA way (soul archaeology) to apply to the cards you pull for yourself.  I am going to show you how to adapt a regular reading to an SA style reading, even using the same card positions as the original and not changing anything.  Any reading can be an SA reading, it's just all in how you read the cards.  

This is a five-card reading from the book "Positively Tarot" by Emma Toynbee.  

So, today I will be exploring my current life situation, which is my mother living with me, my hubby, and my kids.  She's a narcissist who has abused me for my entire life and will still find ways to get a jab in now and then (as much as she can).  She has dementia and has health issues and lives in our home.  We are not sure if she will be able to go into a nursing home due to a number of reasons.  I don't want to be stuck with her forever, especially after she will need nursing care that I cannot give her.  So, here is my soul archaeology reading on this situation.  

First, let me first inform you that this style of reading is not predictive.  So, I am not looking for answers on "what is going to happen" in the future.  What I am looking for is clarity on my situation.  Something to give me more understanding so I can feel better about it.  Soul Archaeology is about digging deep into the depths of your own soul and breaking open the cracks and crevices where the answers are hiding.  We are all deep wells of information.  Sometimes we just need a little help digging it out.  

And this is how to take any reading you want and turn it into an SA reading.  

Okay, let's start.

Cards 1&2: Past, past events that helped shape the present moment. 

Card 3: Present, a result of past influences

Card 4: Hidden Aspect, what is hidden and at work in the current situation

Card 5: Future, when all of these energies converge, the most likely outcome

The deck I am using is the Light Seers Tarot. 

For cards 1 & 2 I drew the 5 of Cups and The Lovers.  Here is the amazing thing with Soul Archaeology tarot readings: if you don't connect with a card or like a card, you can just draw another one!  The Lovers, even though in traditional tarot it can mean "choice", it really doesn't fit with what I am asking about here.  So I will draw a new card. 

Oh yes, that's it.  The 5 of Pentacles.  I could not hit the nail more on the head with these two fives, which indicate strife and loss.  

Past: Sadness.  Loss.  Loneliness.  Grief.  Despair.  Anger.  Regret.  Sorrow.  Disappointment.  The 5 of Cups has it all.  It's reflecting on the trauma itself, and not how to heal from it.  The phrase "You have to feel it heal it" comes to mind.  Yes.  That is what brought us here.  I almost didn't move in with her because of those reasons.  I knew it would be hell.  And it was.  Actually, it was worse than I could ever imagine.  Funny, sometimes you fear something so much, and usually, it's never as bad as you think.  Yet this time, it was worse.  I was retraumatized from her previous abuse with more abuse and it almost drove me insane.  And it was so bad that I could not concentrate on anything else.  But the dementia has progressed in the past two years.  So has her health issues.  And it's better now.  But I am still stuck in this card.  I am still angry.  I am still full of sadness and loss.  Loss for a life I never got to have.  For parents I never asked for, nor wanted.  And I know I will never get understanding from her or an apology or realness.  She's incapable.  But this state of mind is what makes everything so much worse.  Instead of focusing on the way things are so much better now, I still focus on my loss and my anger.  Though I am getting slightly better, or at least trying to.  

Past (though I'll say more recent past, as in the last few years): She's trapped in a home she doesn't want to be in.  The key is right there, but she either cannot see it, or knows she can't use it yet.  She has to wait for the right time and it's draining her mental health.  She needs to find a way out without having to leave quite yet.  She has to find a way to rid herself of her mental prison.  I know pentacles indicates physical bodies, but brains are physical, so it counts, right?  I mean, I am in a physical prison, too, but not as much as I used to be.  I found my way out by removing every single little thing she could use to control me and now I am pretty much free.  It's only my mental prison that remains.  I am still stuck living with her though, and that's a physical prison.  But that part I can deal with as long as I ease my thoughts into something better.  

 

Present: This card means that you're reliving past happy memories from your childhood or teenage years.  I don't know about that.  It seems quite the opposite.  But maybe it's advice?  On how I should be spending my time instead.  Why just think about all the bad shit that happened and instead, try to remember the good things?  I mean, that would make better use out of my time instead.  I did have some kickass dogs growing up.  I also had some kickass adventures.  My plan was to revamp my memoirs soon, and maybe I could use that time to throw in some good memories, too, rather than just the shitty ones.  I do have issues thinking about good times with my mother, though.  Because now that I know she's a narcissist (I've known for a very long time), I know that all of those memories are fake.  Behind my back she was badmouthing me to everyone, even though to my face she was being cheerful and nice at times.  But maybe I could wade through those times and see what nuggets of little realness there really was?  I am sure there are a couple.  Maybe?  Using the present to instead think about the good parts of my childhood, maybe I could write another memoir on that?  I already have so many negative ones.  But my life wasn't always bad.  There were good times.  So, I like that idea.  I think I'll start writing down awesome memories and see if there is enough for another book.  

Hidden Aspect: I know this isn't a traditional meaning of this card, but the picture reminds me of the "weaving of fate", as though I am living here with her here, now, for a bigger reason.  Like, this is where I am supposed to be right now at this point in my life.  I am an atheist, sure, but I still ponder the idea of certain ways fate or other metaphysical ideas could be real in some way, shape, or form.  I do know that I am supposed to be here with her right now in order to heal.  Because it is healing me.  Despite my anger or resentment at her behavior, I am free of so many things that have plagued me for most of my life.  All because I learned how to take my power back from her.  I think that's amazingly healing.  She can't torment me from the grave one day, because we moved past the tormenting in real life.  When my father died, it took me TWELVE years to heal from his abuse.  And recently, I have broken open some healed wounds from him, all because I know sometimes the only way to heal DEEP wounds is allow it to heal, scab over, and maybe form a scar, but go excavating again after to see what comes up.  And lo and behold, there was more wound there that I didn't realize.  But with my mother, my wounds are gashed open, seeping and somewhat infected, but so many of them are starting to heal.  So, I do feel lucky to have had this experience with her.  I know it's for the greater good of my healing process.  Whether fate is real or imagined, it doesn't matter.  I am here for a reason.  Even if it's a reason of my choosing.  

Outcome (or as I like to call it: My Goal): Enlightenment, baby.  Bliss.  Look at how chill this guy is.  He's at one with the world around him.  So much so, he's floating on water.  Or at least imagining he is.  He's touching his singing bowl with his finger and making it sing without a wooden rod.  He's in charge of his reality.  

See, with the SA way to read, I don't think that a genie is going to grant me this wish as an "outcome", but rather a goal to work towards.  I think it's going to take hard work on my part, especially the part about using what I have right now as a way to heal and move forward, eventually spending my time thinking of all the good I once had and have right now.  Shifting my perspective and my focus to the good, instead of living in the prison of the bad.  It won't be easy, but I think I'm up for it.  I think I am ready for the change.  I should print out this picture so I can remind myself of how I want to feel (that's called a "positive prime" in psychology).  To remind me of what my goal is.  He emotionally, mentally, physically, and intellectually calm.  That's what I want.  I want to find that peace.  I already try to practice Buddhism, I guess I should really up my game and try to practice loving-kindness with my mom (it's a sort-of of mantra meditation).  Also, I should start a "happy memories" journal.  Which excites me because I love starting new journals.  

And there we have it.  No predictions.  No tall, dark, and handsome strangers.  Just looking at some very beautiful pieces of cardstock and using them to dig into my own psyche and pull out what makes sense.  

No, it's your turn.  Try this reading with the Soul Archaeology way of reading and see what you come up with.  And if you post it, link me below!  

Happy 2021 Samhain!  It's been a crazy couple of years for our family.  Not just for the pandemic, though that is/was definitely enough.  But in 2018 my family started down a road that has led us to some amazing, and not-so-amazing places.  And it all started with becoming homeless.  The road back to normality has been a tough one, especially during the pandemic, but we're getting there, and somehow, faster than we ever have before.  

So every single year, we try to shed more and more of that experience, and instead, we're concentrating on our future.  Something that may come sooner as opposed to later, which is kind of scary, because are not prepared yet.  But then again, since when does life fit our humanly made up timetables?  

So it's been a gorgeous fall this year, and even though I am not in the Halloween mood (dressing up, handing out candy, etc.), I am very much in the Samhain moon.  As an Buddhist atheist from a pagan background, we still celebrate Samhain, as both the new year (to cast away the old and bring in the new) and to honor our deceased loved ones.  I'll be burning a bunch of stuff today, as it's a traditionally a fire festival, and while I do, I'll cast in all the crap I want to leave behind (written on paper).  Also, we'll be doing some meditations tonight, and pulling some tarot cards for the new year.  Though right now, I'm going to start my day off by doing a Samhain Spread, to see what I should be casting off and leaving behind, as well as harvesting and whatnot.  This spread is based one by Emerald Lotus (click the link to visit them!), so thank you to them for today's inspiration.  I changed one of the questions, because it didn't apply to me and changed it to something that did apply to my life, instead.  

Also today, we're going to have a feast with party food, even though it'll just be our family with hot dogs, brats, homemade mac-n-cheese, chips and dip, jelly/cheese/crackers, pumpkin rolls, pumpkin juice (which is apple cider and canned pumpkin, and spices) etc.  Oh and lots of fun Halloween music!  

But let's get on with the tarot reading and see what we find out, shall we?  I'll also include a link below to the music I'm listening to as well.  

Samhain Spread

Light Seer's Tarot

Card 1: Something I should harvest. (Knight of Wands)

Card 2: How to prepare for the coming year. (3 of Pentacles)

Card 3: What should I leave behind? (9 of Cups)

Card 4: How should I honor my ancestors? (3 of Cups)

Position One: Something I should harvest.  The first thing I see in this card is fire, which represents burning away the old and in with the new, which is what today is partially about.  The Knight of Wands means "fire on fire", which is what I call a "power card".  Pages are air, Knights are fire, Queens are water, and Kings are earth.  Swords are air, so the Page of Swords is "air on air".  Wands are fire so the Knight of Wands is "fire on fire".  Cups are water, so the Queen of Cups is "water on water".  And pentacles are earth, so the King of Pentacles is "earth on earth".  Those are the "power cards", which takes the element and doubles it, giving it a fiercer, more powerful meaning than the mixture of elements, as the rest of the court cards are.  Fire means passion, so this card is full of passion.  So what this card is telling me is that I need to harvest my passion again.  

See, after 2018, I really lost my passion for my art and creative side.  We lost everything we owned and lived without replacing it for almost a year.  It was hard.  And then in 2020, I lost my passions all over again, as we moved in to be caretakers for my mother, which was financially needed for both of us, but mentally and emotionally?  Not so great for me and my hubby and kids.  My mother is abusive and while she's gotten better since 2020 due to her declining cognition (she has dementia), it's still an emotional and mental rollercoaster.  But I do feel most alive and happy when I am doing something artistic.  

I have a whole slew of paintings I keep writing down ideas for, but I never pick up my brush and paint.  I've made one painting since coming here and that was back when we first moved in.  But my passion isn't just painting.  It's writing, too.  And while I am always blogging (I have several blogs), I've been working on a series of memoirs since moving in here, and I even wrote so much that I finished four full-length memoirs in a year!  But I want to make sure I hit Amazon's algorithm, so I want to have at least six done before releasing them.  And that's where my passion has truly laid this past year and half.  My memoirs are very important to me, and while I love tarot reading and painting and building stuff, writing these have been healing and been a huge purge of all the muck in my soul.  Getting out on paper (computer screen) means I don't have to carry with me as much anymore.  

But this card doesn't just mean "my one passion".  It means all of them.  It's a power card, remember?  It's the most powerful card in the deck when it comes to passion.  So it's not telling me to "just concentrate on writing", it's telling me to harvest it all.  It's telling me that it's time to take my power back, to take my passions back, and immerse myself in them.  The dark half of the year is coming.  There's a power in darkness.  Darkness is not only about resting, but also about preparing.  If I want to prepare for my family's future (which is an issue right now, as my mother's health is declining faster than expected, and she may end up in a home sooner than we hoped), then I need to dig deep into my passions and cultivate something powerful.  

In this card, she is drumming, which is how you work up your power in order to send it out into the universe.  You start small, and build up momentum, until your power bursts into creation.  And this card is all about creating the most power you possibly can.  

So that's what I need to harvest: power through passion, so I can build financial stability for me and my family.  My husband can't be the only one who does that.  It shouldn't all fall on him, he's only one person.  So now it's my turn to help him.  Sometimes think I am weak and helpless, but it's times like these I remember just how powerful I really am.  

I should start getting my memoirs ready for publication.  I think it's time to harvest all that energy I put into writing them.  

Position Two:  Threes are always great cards to get.  It indicates cooperation and connectedness.  And this particular one shows working hard in cooperation with others.  It could be learning to do something with other people (like building my storage shed I want to make), but it also means putting all your power into whatever it is you're working on, rather than half-assing it or losing interest.  I have issues with committing to things, but I've gotten so much better with that, so now, like I said, I actually finished FOUR entire books in a year.  If that's not commitment then I don't know what is.  Seeing something through to the end.  I keep thinking I'm failing because I took a break from writing, but I only took a break from my 5th and 6th books.  I tend to forget I already finished four.  

The Three of Pentacles usually shows you not only working with others, but everyone is happy about it.  So the message is also to remember to enjoy yourself while doing so.  

I am starting a semi-fantastical clothing line that will be in my Etsy shop.  The entire store will have a backstory, which will be on my website, along with maps of the fantasy land where the store will be "located".  My son is going to help me design clothes, and maybe even learn to sew.  I am setting up the entire thing my basement, which needs to be cleaned out so we can have room to do these things.  I am also a photographer, and will be taking pictures of models in our clothes, and the website will have backstories for them, too.  I am writer, photographer, seamstress, artist, and creator, and this store will encompass everything I do, which really excites me.  Though I know it will be hard work, but I also know it will be worth it.  This is yet another income stream in which I hope to use to plan for my family's future.  So, how to prepare for the upcoming  new year?  (As Samhain is the "witch's new year")  I shall make sure to my basement in working order and get to work with my son creating fashions for awesome people <3  

Position Three:  The Rolling Stones are singing here: "I can't get no....satisfaction!"  I think this card is telling me to give up the idea of never being satisfied.  And to not get too comfortable with satisfaction, too.  Don't get complacent.  I know all too well how the ups and downs of life feel.  To have something great, only to have it ripped away.  Too many times to count.  Like I said, I am atheist, but I am also Buddhist.  And in Buddhism, you learn that the rollercoaster of life is inevitable, and will never, ever stop.  But you have to learn to live in the middle.  To be able to adapt to the rolling highs and lows and not live in either one.  Otherwise, you'll be going along for the ride.  Buddhism is called "The Middle Way" for a reason.  

So to me?  This card in this position means to cast away the idea of security and safety (with money, etc.) and instead, be resilient.  Find your way through life by walking the path of the prepared, instead.  After 2018, we ONLY survived and came out on top because one single person gave us an opportunity to do so.  If that person hadn't offered us a place to live?  I have no idea where we'd be right now.  Like for real, I really have no idea what would have happened to our family.  Or how we would have made money or gotten work or anything at all.  The only reason our family is intact is because of that one person.  Who wants to live like that?  Who wants to say "Well, my life is hanging on by a string but at least there is one person who can help us."  What if that one person can't?  You can't depend on others all the time.  So you have to learn to depend on yourself and your immediate family.  

Right now, if my mother goes into a home, we may be right back in that spot again.  So that's on my mind in this reading.  So the question asks, what do I need to leave behind?  And it's clear.  Leave behind the idea that things need to go right in order to be safe and happy.  And instead, find safety and happiness within yourself.  This is why I am on a mission to purging all the things I own that I don't need.  If I become homeless again, where will it all go?  Do I want to mourn the loss of my items all over again?  And do I want to have to move all this stuff again?  Ugh.  I don't.  It's too much.  I want to learn to live with less stuff and have more skills, money, and life experiences (that we can spend said money on).  I want to be free of thinking "stuff" equals security.  I think I learned that as a child.  That the more stuff in my room, the less room there was for bad stuff to happen to me.  I mean, bad stuff still happened to me on an almost daily basis anyways, but at least I had my stuff to make me happy.  So I carried that into adulthood.  I learned to equate "stuff" with "happiness" and satisfaction.  But it's just not.  It's just stuff.  And that's part of what's in my basement that's keeping me from putting together my clothing store.  And it's also in my room, making it impossible to enjoy a clutter-free lifestyle.  

So I think I just made a mental breakthrough here.  Wow.  I never realized I equated my ever-expanding amount of "things" (mostly books) with safety and happiness.  This is why Marie Kondo doesn't work for me.  What if everything brings you joy?  Because you are afraid that there will be no joy without it?  I mean, look at the card, for fork's sake...it's a woman throwing all her shit into the wind LMAO!  She's screaming in joy "I'm free!  I'm free!"  I want to be that woman.  Let all that shit go.  

Deep.  But that's why I read this way.  I don't believe in prediction and instead use tarot for deep introspection, because that's where the magic happens.  

Position Four: I think I'm going to paint this with a little bit more of a broader paintbrush and say this question means in my life, not just on Samhain (pronounced "sow-en", by the way).  And I see three woman, honoring and supporting each other, but in my life, I've never had a woman support me.  Not truly.  And until my husband, I've never felt truly supported, ever (other than with my kids).  I know many of my ancestors, and I do not believe they supported each other, either.  And I know it's because they didn't know how.  

My other project I am working on is building a truly healing and supportive community to be my tribe.  Granted, I am scared to death, because I know just how awful people can be.  But first, I need to work on this with my family.  I need to be a safe and loving space for my family, so they can learn to do the same for themselves and others, too.  And from there, we can branch out to others, and build a tribe four ourselves.  I can honor my ancestors by doing what they couldn't do.  And to not let their legacy keep me in the same pattern of bullshit as they lived.  

I can honor them by breaking cycles of abuse, loneliness, sadness, depression, and pain.  All of my dead family members lived in pain until they died.  ALL OF THEM.   Well, the ones with dementia maybe forgot some of it?  But still.  You know what I mean.  I have learned a better way of living in the world and a better way of dealing with things, so that's how I will honor their memories.  By not carrying down the pain they couldn't get rid of.  So maybe my kids will help do the same with their own kids.  That's part of my purge (as are my memoirs-purging all the crap into a book LOL).  

So, I think that's a great Samhain reading.  I think I have a new and reenergized way to treat the upcoming year and I am ready for some feasting!!  Time to go bake some pumpkin rolls!!

 

Today I am going to be doing an amazing spread created by Evvie Marin from Interrobang Tarot.  I just found her website and I am in love with all of her spreads!!  You can find it here:   https://www.interrobangtarot.com/blog/the-chosen-family-tarot-spread

I will be using The Light Seer's Tarot for this spread, as well. 

First of all, let me tell you why I chose this spread this evening.  See, my family and I are starting a commune.  For realsies.  Not really a "commune", per say, but more of a "village" or an "intentional community" type of thing.  We are in the planning stages of it, and lately, I've found some AMAZING resources on community building, so I am really into trying to figure this thing out.  And this spread?  Is just one more amazing resource for me to dig into my psyche and figure out just where to start.  

Card One-Find: Where do I find my chosen family?

Aces are beginnings.  They are the start of something.  Pretty cool that I drew this card as this particular position in the spread.  And the Cups are the suit of emotions and creativity.  I am a Buddhist (well, I am an atheist Pagan Buddhist, I guess if you were to pigeon-hole me into an actual spiritual path).  I follow Buddhist beliefs (I try to).  And I think that starting a group based on that, as well as creativity, would work out well.  In the beginning, it doesn't have to be about living together.  It can just be about connection.  My first idea to find people to create a group was to start running circles.  I don't want to limit them to just women, as our community will be for families.  Our ideal candidates will be people who put family first (and I don't mean that religious idea of "family first", I mean actually as it states: people who love being a family with their family), who are creative, with a craving to be more calm and Buddhist centered, yet who are open to earth-centered spiritual ideas and holidays, and have skills to share with the community.  We're also looking for people who are science-minded (meaning they aren't into faux-science stuff).  So I think creating circles, that center on support and creativity (like the Cups suit), will be the best way to find these people.  Which was what I came up with to begin with.  But then my ideas got away from me and I kind of lost all that.  So I think that's where I will start.  

Card Two-Bond: How do I better connect to my people and strengthen the bonds between us?

 

 

Oh I am in love with my tarot deck, The Light Seers Tarot (review coming soon)!  So I was taking pics of all my new decks (I got a huge amount for my birthday) and decided to do a quick three-card reading with the SA style of reading (Soul Archaeology).  You can do an SA reading with one card or as many as you like.  The only rule is that there needs to be people on the cards so you can relate to them and put yourself in their shoes.  I picked three for this reason, because it's quick.  

Now, you can use Soul Archaeology by looking at the card and completely connecting with it OR you can use the meanings you already know, and add those in, too, which is what I did in this one a little.  Soul Archaeology means connecting the pictures to your soul, your inner "you", rather than using predictions or any type of divination to read them.  It means opening up what's inside of you, rather than looking for external things to give you a good reading.  

All the answers you seek are inside of you.  Always.  Don't forget that. 

Three Card Reading with the Light Seers Tarot

Card One: 3 of Cups

Card Two: The Lovers (6)

Card Three: The Queen of Swords

So, in my life right now, I am kind of stir crazy.  I just got over a small stint with depression and am feeling a lot better.  But I've been solitary for a very long time (by choice) and I've slowly (and finally) been coming around to the idea of having friends again.  Not only that, I don't just want to have friends, I want to kind of change the world.  I know, tall order.  But my issue with having friends are the issues that plague everyone.  Except for the fact that I won't put up with that crap (hence the fact I am soliary).  The reason why people put up with it (and the reason I used to) is that we all didn't or don't know what the actual issues are.  And then when I finally figured it out, I had no idea how to fix it.  So I stayed solitary.  But now I think I may know what to do.  Or at least start it.  

My goal, is to create real friendships, with real people, without any bullshit.  Again, I know, tall order.  But I think I've figured out the formula (or, like I said, at least the start to it).  And I think I've figured out the vehicle to deliver it. 

My big choice is whether to do it or not.  I keep wavering back and forth.  I want to do it, but I also know it will be filled with drama, because any relationship with others has some sort of drama to it.  Even within families.  And I really, really hate drama.  It triggers me into bad behavior (like overreacting, or letting things bother me too much, and whatnot).  I think I fear reactivating my old behavior and patterns, after I've worked so hard on changing.  But I have to remember: I am not that person anymore.  I've learned to do better.  To act better.  To react better.  To be more understanding.  To learn what not to do when around other humans.  I don't need an audience for my pain anymore.  But I also know that in some ways, I haven't changed as much as I wish I had.  I still get a little hit off of drama.  It wakes up my brain and makes my anxiety go away (fucked up, right?).  I have ADHD and grew up in an abusive home, so I have this reaction to drama that I shouldn't.  But every experience is a learning experience, right?  And my new style of interacting with others will help curb some of what scares me about it all.  And if I am gentle and understanding with others, should I not also be the same with myself?  Of course I should.  So I can work on forgiving myself if I do happen to fall back into old habits when I start doing this.  

This queen reminds me to really do my work when it comes to this.  I can't plan for everything, but I can plan for as much as I can.  I need to research as much as I can so I can build exactly what it is I want.  "If you build it, they will come", right?  So, if I build my tribe, it will attract the right people to it (and some undesirables, but they'll get weeded out quickly).  Also, this card, she looks so calm and centered.  I need to remember, even if everything were to fall apart, it can be fixed, as long as I stay calm and centered.  

I have so much going on in my life that sometimes the idea of building this overwhelms me.  But my husband is there to help me (since he's a part of this, too) and we can create something wonderful and beautiful.  And even if it fails, we have each other, and our kids, and that's all that matters.  The only thing we can do in life is just hope for the best, since we cannot control the future.  We can create something and hope it turns out right.  Fear of it not turning out well is not a reason to not do it.  

Bringing humans together, in any way, is always a gamble.  Humans are unpredictable.  But just because they are, is not a reason not to try, right?  So, time to get to down to doing more research!  

 

(If you want to know what I'm working on, just stay tuned and I'll post about it when I'm done!)

 

 

Now is the time to calm your mind and slow down and stop worrying so much.  I know it may not be easy, but excessive worrying doesn't make anything better and it sure doesn't stop anything from happening.  

Instead, worry about what you can control.  Come up with a plan.  Get organized about what freaks you out.  When you have a plan, worrying can cease, and you can get back to normal life as best you can. 

 

What is your jail right now?  What's restricting you?  Your job?  Your thoughts?  Your guilt?  Your depression?  Your anxiety?  Your relationships?  A literal jail?  

Unless you're in actual jail, let's talk about how to break free (I cannot help you escape from jail, but maybe you can find someone who can overturn your conviction if you're innocent?).  

If your jail is your own mind due to the fact you think that deprivation is the way to be happier/better/more worthy/etc. or maybe you think that overworking yourself is the only way to get ahead in life or something else equally as "too much" or "too little" of something.  In Buddhism, we talk about the "the middle way".  The Buddha in the beginning was a spoiled prince who saw extreme poverty everywhere and thought that restricting himself to the point of homelessness and poverty for himself was the way to go.  That depriving himself was the way to spiritual oneness/enlightenment.  Turns out, it wasn't.  So he left his followers in poverty and went to back to being a prince (he was kind of a douche, in so many ways, but I'm a Buddhist, so I can say that) and found that some luxury mixed with non-excessiveness was much more conducive to a happy life, than total deprivation.  While I am not sure how true any of the Buddha's story is (it's pretty old), I do have one that's more realistic to show my point.

My father lived a life of workaholism and alcoholism.  He lived in a prison of working too much, and clinical depression that he soothed with copious amounts of alcohol.  He thought his only worth to me and my mother (and in life) was the amount of money in his bank account.  He was a man of many prisons.  Rather than work them out, he stayed in them until he died at the age of 55.  Because of his personal prisons, he provided a nice little family imposed prison for both my mother and in turn, my mother provided her own prison right back for my father and I.  I grew up in a house of prisons.  

So I grew up with my own self-imposed prisons due to the way I was "raised" (survived is more like it).  We all have them.  Sometimes we create our own.  Sometimes we inherit them from our parents or those who raised us.  Sometimes they are imposed on us by outside forces.  

But it really doesn't matter how we get them, it only matters what we do with them.  We first need to deal with the reasons we feel imprisoned in the first place.  Then we need to work on how to rid ourselves of our prisons.  If we don't address the underlying reason why we feel the need to hurt ourselves (and/or others) or let others hurt us, then how can we even begin to escape from our prison(s)?  

There are things in life that we just accept, based on our perceptions of who we are and what we deserve.  So we learn to accept certain ideas about ourselves, certain behaviors towards us, certain labels, certain treatment.  We allow these things, which build our prisons, because that's what we're used to.  

This card reminds us to take stock of our current and past prisons and really dig into the reasons those prisons were built in the first place.  Even if they are simple and boring rather than complex or dangerous, we can change the moment we realize the "why".  We can choose better for ourselves.  We can limit, eliminate, or push past and find the "middle way" instead (or in case of abuse or addictions, break free).  If my father had worked just enough to keep a roof over our heads, and also realized his worth and didn't drown his sorrows in beer and cigarettes and working sixty hours a week or more?  He may still be here.  

Do we want to get to our finale in life miserable and imprisoned?  Or do we want to find glorious redemption and be free?  The choice is ours.  I know, easier said than done, but sometimes we have dig deeper than we ever have before in order to find where our happiness is hiding. 

Hey you.  Yeah, you over there.  What are you running away from?  What are you avoiding?  What are you ignoring because you don't want to deal with it right now?  

If I had to pick a soul card, like a card that depicts my actual soul?  It'd probably be this card.  I HATE dealing with confrontation.  I will take responsibility for things when something is my fault, but I really hate dealing with drama and confronting others.  I've also been known to run away from things I'm ashamed of at times.  But I'm here to tell you, that just heading stuff off at the pass?  Dealing with it ASAP is so much easier than letting it build up and dealing with it when you have no choice anymore.  

If you did something to someone and are ashamed of it?  Speak up.  Admit to it.  Running never helps.  And eventually, it'll catch up with you anyways.  This card is the card of running away when you're guilty.  You may be wondering, "What if coming clean will blow up my life?"  Well, if you don't, then what kind of life are you living?  A lie, that's what.  That thing happened.  You said or did something that you need to come clean about.  If things would drastically change if they found out it was you?  Then your life is already blown up.  It's just a ticking time bomb until it does.   

Own your shit, man.  You made a mistake.  We all do that.  Admit it and make amends (action and apology, always both).  And truly mean it.  And do better next time.  If someone hates you over a mistake, then they are the person with the issue.  Unless you make this mistake a lot?  If so, fix yourself.  Seek help in doing so if you can't do it alone. 

Or maybe the trickery has been done do you and you know about it?  So confront them already.  I know, easier said than done.  I will hide from someone before I confront them.  I hate it, because most people won't own up to their shit in a honest way (or without aggression).  So I don't trust their responses.  I don't trust they have my best interest at heart, so I fear their reactions.  But I sometimes just do it anyways.  I say "If they get angry, oh well.  Then I know where I stand with them in life."  

We are all human here.  We all make mistakes.  We all do bad things sometimes.  Nobody is immune to that (even though so many pretend they are).  So admit your mistakes, forgive yourself, forgive others (when you can), and try to do better in the future.  

Running away from our problems will only feel good for a moment.  They will always return until we deal with them.  Remember that.

 

What can you let of right now that's not making your life better?  What needs to be fixed or thrown out?  Because we all have things our lives that we don't need anymore.  Either we've outgrown them (relationships, clothes, items, jobs, or ideas) or maybe they are more harmful to us than we care to admit.

I once had a friend from fourth grade that  I kept her as a friend because she'd always just been there.  But it was surface.  We had lots of bad blood between us that we never once addressed.  When I tried to bring it up to her one day, she blew up at me.  I guess our friendship was based on just playing that fun game of denial and pretending like it all didn't happen.  So, after she blew up at me, I let her go in the nicest way possible.  The truth was, I'd outgrown us.  I was at the age where I wanted a deep and meaningful relationship with everyone around me and didn't have time anymore in my life for fake stuff.  When I tested her to see if we could work on all that crap that was bubbling just under the surface between us, I saw she didn't want the same thing I did.  I saw that she was perfectly okay with that festering crap, just oozing out whenever it felt like it.  So, I made the decision that she was better off without a friend who was angry at her all the time, and I deserved better than someone who didn't want to address the truth.  It was time to move on.  For the both of us, even if she didn't want to.

The point of the story is, sometimes we keep things around in our lives because they've always been there.  Like that old chair.  Or that old shirt that doesn't fit us anymore.   Or my kids' grade school homeschooling books and old tarot books and decks that I never used.  Or like old friends that don't do anything for us but take up space in our lives.  So we check these things, and ask ourselves if we can still use them today.  Can we upcycle these things to fit our current lives now?  

If the answer is no, then out they go.  And we move on, making room for the things that will nourish us in the future, rather than the things that are sucking our energy from the past. 

 

Okay, so there doesn't always have to be winner or a loser.  In fact, when you play this game in relationships?  Nobody is winner.  You either both win or you both lose.  

How do you both win?  Honest communication, that's how.  Did someone actually do something pretty bad to you?  You have two choices.  You can walk away.  This is the simplest.  This doesn't always mean "I can't forgive you" (though it can), but just that's not worth playing this game of winners and losers anymore.  Or, you can work it out.  Working it out means to actively work to get over your pain of what the other person did, rather than hating them and punishing them forever.  It means honest communication and finding forgiveness.  This can take years if the act against you is really bad (though forgiving is only worth it when the other person is actively working on doing better).  But it can also just mean completely understanding the person's motivations behind what they did and forgiving when you both really understand each other and make amends for what was done wrong (when the act is small).

You both lose if you walk away from a disagreement as the winner or the loser.  Because in a relationship there are no winners or losers.  There is only two people who are working hard to be good to the other person and sometimes failing (which is normal when it's just regular stuff).  Anything less than that is not a real relationship.  If one person is always being treated bad or you both are always treating each other bad, then that's not a relationship.  That's abusive and toxic.  

So, are you ready to really work on things with this person?  Are they worth it?  Are you capable of real change?  Are they?  Analyze what's going on and make a choice from there.  

 

Do you need a nap right now?  Cause I know I do!  Damn.  Sometimes life is so exhausting that you just need to step back and quiet your mind with some R&R and some introspection.  Self-care dammit!  Stop neglecting yourself and slow down and find your peace.  If you don't, you're going to experience burnout and you'll be wishing you had taken a time out when you could have.  

If you're in a position to not take any time for yourself?  For real, what are you even doing?  Nobody is meant to be "on" all the time.  This isn't a race or a show just how worthy you are in life by how much you do.  Who taught you that?  Because their opinion honestly doesn't matter.  So take the time out, rest, relax, and delegate!  Let someone else pick up the slack.  Oh, they won't?  Then just take the rest anyways, and see what happens.  I guarantee you, the world will not fall down without you for a moment.  It may not get done to your exact specifications, but that's something you need to realize.  It doesn't have to.  The world will still turn.  

Find a babysitter.  Delegate responsibility.  And get some rest.  The world will look different and so much better to you after you do.  And a less stressed out person is much more fun to be around, too *wink* LOL